How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
