I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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