The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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