Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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