Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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