You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
