I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
