I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
