now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
