I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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