she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
