I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
