I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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