I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
