Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
