**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
