i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
