I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
