im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
