I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
