she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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