masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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