I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
