I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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