This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
