I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
