i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
