I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
