he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
