My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I will pee on everything he values.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
