My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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