i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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