Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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