Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
