I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
