Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
