What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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