The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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