I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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