It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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