you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
And then he peed in my hair
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