The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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