i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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