Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
