Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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