So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
