I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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