I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
