im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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