This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
