Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
